没有像想象中坚强。
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
3:12 pm |
0 watched the snowflakes fall
原本以为不会再写日记了。
或许只有在不开心的时候才会想要把心中的情感写下吧。这一年，真的过得很不开心。应该是自找的吧。无法去真正学会主动交友，却总是希望旁人能先踏出第一步。最后只能自甘寂寞，又不敢拿出勇气去结识新友，也不敢向别人吐露心思，只会在外人面前呈现出一幅若无其事的面具。
我已感觉不到什么了。不会难过，也不生气。似是活在虚幻之中，没有回忆，也没有未来。似是像在大海中漂浮的一块朽木。毫无目的的漂着，漂着。时光依旧流逝，像是从指头之间悄悄溜走。
时间应该会冲淡一切吧。
3:56 am |
0 watched the snowflakes fall
Turn Back the Pendulum
Ok, so I've stole the title of this post from Kubo sensei (which happens to be the title of my favourite arc from the series, but I digress), but this time round, we won't be heading back a century ago. In fact, strictly speaking, it hasn't even been 10 years yet.
As I had difficulties falling asleep last night, I rummaged through old letters, postcards, photos and even my old report book. (Gosh! my napfa results were so much better then. I suppose the regular basketball sessions during reccess did help.) To think that in those days, we actually had so much energy to do a million things then, and it was so much easier to pen a postcard for each other. I've also managed to dig out the class photos that we took at the end of Sec 4 and I felt very nostalgic looking at the combined class photo. All of us looked so happy then, and I really mean all of us. In my other class photos, there's always someone who will have an unnatural smile or something, but everyone in the photo looked like they were genuinely happy. Maybe it helps that it wasn't one of the formal class shots where all of us had to stand according to height and look straight at the camera (and yes, that means no cheeky hand gestures allowed).
But, were we truly happier then? Thinking rationally, I'm sure we had our fair share of worries and problems back then, what with the Os and the As, all the inter-school competitions, teacher troubles and the "shit, -insert teacher- is coming and I've just -insert school rule that was broken-" scenarios. But with time, they all seem to be relatively trivial and unimportant compared to our troubles right now - jobs (or lack thereof), final year projects, relationship problems, lack of money, stress, stress and more stress. Fair enough, our worries will change with time. After all, our priorities are different now.
I always feel at a loss when I hear of friends who have broken up with their respective partners. I have no idea what words should I say or what should I do, maybe there isn't anything that I can really say or do to ease the pain, or maybe a simple hug will do. I don't know. But I do feel the urge to beat the crap out of those guys who have hurt my friends (it's probably not a good idea to announce my violent tendencies, but oh well), though it's not as if I'm strong enough to do so to guys who are so much stronger and taller than me. I suppose I'm a bit over-protective of my friends, but it hurts me so to see them sad and not being able to do anything. I'm starting to sound like an angsty teenager again.
Though, how I wish I could return to those days.
But one can only wish.
Friday, 12 September 2008
12:08 am |
0 watched the snowflakes fall
Home is where the heart is...
And so, it's been a year (or more) since I last attempted to blog. Sadly, the links and photo uploads are still not done, even though I suppose I can come up with many excuses as to why I failed to do them. I mean, with moving into a new house, working as a research assistant, dealing with a final year which consisted of loads of seminar readings, literature survey research and project preparation, applying for masters and planning for various trips, you can hardly expect me to have time to sit down and blog right? Right?
Nah, they are just excuses and I know it. I would be able to blog if I really wanted to, even though my final year at York was really busier (in a way) than my first 2 years there. Though that said, it pales in comparison against the pace of life in Singapore.
For the benefit of those who are actually reading this blog (if there's anyone out there) and who doesn't already know, I've graduated from York but will be heading to Cambridge to do another year of masters. Partly because I really am interested in the subject and felt like I haven't studied enough, and partly because I feel like I haven't studied enough and am not ready to start work.
In fact, I'm actually going to fly off in less than 2 weeks' time. (For those interested, you can get the flight details from me.)
Like I've said in the previous post, even though that was written a year ago, many thoughts still remain the same. I still feel like after 3 years, Singapore truly feels different. It's probably a combination of me having being exposed to the world out there and the rapid pace of development in Singapore, but really, Singapore feels different, in fact, it's almost foreign. I know that things will always be changing, especially in a city like ours, but there's something disconcerting when you realised that the shops in your local mall have decided on playing a game of musical chairs and you get confused as to where the shops are located. And how the Singaporean accent, which is usually very comforting to hear when I'm overseas, has been overwhelmed with all the other languages in the heartlands and on the public transport.
I, too, have changed. Before I left 3 years ago, I felt that Singapore will always be "home truly". I mean, with my family and the bulk of my friends here (and not forgetting the job), where else can home be? But I've been swept by the wave of globalisation, and I realised that there's so much more out there than just the "red dot on the world map". No, I'm not saying that I don't want to come back to work, but I feel like I can understand why so many people would want to venture abroad. A home is so much more than where you were born/grew up in, where your family is and where you can find your favourite food. A home is where your heart truly lies, a place where you feel the most comfortable in and a place where you love. It might even change with time, if your priorities change. I think that it's easy to just buy a house (relatively speaking), but a home, you really need to make the effort to build it.
I think I know where my home will be, even though it might take a really long time to get there. But I really want to get there one day.
Sunday, 7 September 2008
2:06 pm |
0 watched the snowflakes fall
Reboot
Oh man! I was about to start blogging again and I realised that this post was saved as a draft - ever since last summer (July 07)! Decided that I should just publish this post for now, even though it's horrendously outdated, as there's some thoughts that still remain true to this day, about work and about life in general.
__________________________________________________This has been a long overdue post I admit. Been telling myself that I should really sit down and start blogging again, so as to update those who are interested in what's going on in my life, but sadly, the procrastinator in me takes over all the time. Links and photo uploads have not been done, and there's possibly another one thousand and one things that I should do, but for one reason or another, I am not.
And so, it's been a long time since the previous blog post and I can't be bothered to dig up the backlog to see where I should start from. I suppose a general summary of the past year would do no harm right?
It's the summer holidays again and I'm back in Singapore. It feels so strange to be back again, and somehow there is no excitement this time round when the plane landed in the good old Changi Airport. Everything feels so familar and yet so distant. The scenes along ECP, the hot humid stuffy weather (even at 7am in the morning), the Singaporean accent, the hawker food... It's as if I've now become a visitor to my own country and I'm sad to say that I wished I have chosen to spend summer away from Singapore. I know that in some ways I'm just trying to escape from all the potential problems and the harsh reality, all those that I've somehow managed to escape from when I took the flight out of Singapore last October. York has become a psuedo-sanctuary for me, and as long as I'm there, I can pretend that everything else doesn't matter, but when I'm here, everything strikes hard.
I finished reading "The Time Traveller's Wife" just before I flew back and it struck me how hard the loss of a loved one can be, and it scares me how you would be like Claire, should I leave the world way before you. I suppose it's unfair to ask others to just move on, since I am guilty of it myself. I know I should let go, it's time to let go.
Erm yes, end of depressing cryptic bits. This is after all the first proper post. =P
*Reboot*
Am currently doing attachment again and well, as much as I would like to share my thoughts and the interesting stuff that I got to see there, I suspect I might have to kill every single reader if I do, or be thrown into prisons. Haha, what an irony. Anyway, I think the past few attachments has really been an eye-opener, though at the same time, I keep having doubts about my own abilities to perform at the job, and recently, doubts about having to work in the civil service and bonds and what-nots. Stuff that I really need to think through again. But all in all, I really find it interesting and challenging,
__________________________________________________Well, the reason why I think I saved the post instead of publishing it a year ago was because I haven't finished it (seeing as how the post was left hanging in mid-air). But oh well, there isn't a point in picking up from where I left off last year, if I'm about to start anew, is there?
Saturday, 6 September 2008
10:05 pm |
0 watched the snowflakes fall
test
test
Saturday, 12 May 2007
10:12 pm |
1 watched the snowflakes fall
